Bullying in sport: spotting and stopping exclusion

Exclusion in a volleyball team makes no noise. Nobody swears and nobody gets pushed — precisely nothing happens, and that is the point: the ball isn't played to her, her name isn't called, and when the group pairs up to warm up she is the one left over. Plenty of coaches do see it, but doubt whether it is bad enough to say something. It is in those weeks of doubt that it sets hard.

Five things you can see in a single rally

The advantage of volleyball is that exclusion is visible in the game itself. You don't have to eavesdrop on conversations; you have to watch one block of rallies closely for ten minutes. These are the five things to look for, and every one of them can be tallied.

1. Does she get the ball when there is a choice? Not the compulsory balls, but the free ones: the setter who can choose, the ball that could go left or right. Over ten attacks, count how often the choice goes her way.
2. Is her name called? In a rally players call each other's names at "free", "mine" and "yours". With a player who falls outside the group the name goes first: there is calling, but only in general terms.
3. Is she in the huddle after a point? Don't look at whether she joins in, look at where she stands. Half a metre outside the circle, or joining just too late, says enough.
4. What happens after her mistake? Compare it with somebody else's mistake. For one player it is "never mind", for her it goes quiet or two players glance at each other. That look is over in an instant and is exactly what this is about.
5. Who is left over when they pair up? After "find a partner", the last one left is no accident. If the same player is left over two sessions running, don't assume it is bad luck.

Do that count once for a random other player as well. Without a benchmark you don't know what is normal in your team: maybe nobody calls names, maybe everybody does except to her. That difference decides whether you look further or simply carry on training.

Teasing, bullying or systematic exclusion

These three get the same reaction while they need a different approach. Test them against three questions: does the direction change, does it repeat, and can the person on the receiving end do anything about it?

• Teasing goes back and forth. Today her, next week him, and the one on the receiving end joins in too. It stops when you ask whether that's enough. One sentence in the moment will do.
• Bullying goes one way, repeats itself and has a power difference in it. It doesn't stop when you ask — it moves to a moment when you aren't looking. That is the test straight away: if the behaviour disappears while you are in the hall and carries on outside it, it wasn't teasing.
• Systematic exclusion is the hardest thing to tackle in a sports team, because nothing happens. Nothing is said, nobody is pushed. "But we're not doing anything" is literally true, and exactly the problem: there is no incident to talk about, only a sum of choices that are each defensible on their own.

Don't confuse it with a quiet player who is perfectly happy at the margins either; how to make that player visible without pushing her into the spotlight is in making a quiet player visible. The difference sits in the direction: is she choosing the edge, or being pushed there?

The four places where you aren't standing

What you see in the hall is the tip. The four places where it really happens are the places without a coach.

• The changing room. You don't have to sit in there to see something: stand outside the door for the last two minutes and watch the order in which the team comes out and who is left behind alone. Note that what a coach may and may not do in a changing room is set by your club and your federation — stick to your own club's code of conduct.
• The group chat. Exclusion in a chat is usually not name-calling but a second group without her in it, or a joke everybody understands except her. Make sure there is one official team group that you are in.
• Transport. "Just sort it out among yourselves" is the quickest way to leave a player without a car stranded. Do the driving rota yourself.
• The team selection and the line-up. If the player being excluded moves to the bench right now, you confirm the pecking order the group has invented. Be extra strict with yourself about that over the coming weeks.

Why "just talk it out together" makes it worse

The reflex is to sit the team in a circle and tell them to talk it out. That feels fair and works out badly, for four reasons.

1. You make her the subject for the second time that week, now with your approval.
2. You ask her to say what is wrong in front of the people doing it. She can't do that without being billed for it later. She says "it's not that bad", and the group then uses that as evidence.
3. Forced apologies rarely solve anything. They become an achievement for the one who did it — "I said sorry, so it's over" — and move the behaviour out of your sight.
4. You give the group a vote on whether it happened. You saw it; that is not up for a vote.

Scrap three sentences as well. "They don't mean it like that" makes intention the subject, when the effect is the subject. "You shouldn't react like that" puts the repair job on the player it is happening to. "Try being a bit more open yourself" turns being excluded into her own development point.

What you do do with the group is announce a measure without discussing the case. "From today I draw the pairs" applies to everybody and points at nobody. Ground rules you set out not now but at the start of the season, when nothing is going on: see making team agreements. Rules you introduce after the incident read like a verdict.

The first 24 hours, in this order

If you see something that goes beyond teasing, the order is fixed — and it doesn't start with a conversation.

1. Within the hour: write down what you saw. Date, time, who, and literally what happened — not your conclusion. "Warm-up: R. was the only one left over, third session in a row" is usable; "the atmosphere isn't good" is not. Put that note with the player herself, for example in Koach, so that in three weeks you have a series instead of a feeling.
2. That same evening: one message to your co-coach or team manager. Not in the team chat. Between the two of you, you see more at the next session than you would alone.
3. Within 24 hours: the conversation with the player it is happening to. Separately, outside the hall, short — see the script below.
4. Within 24 hours: call her parents. Factual, short, with what you are going to do and when you will call back.
5. Only then: the conversation with the player or players doing it. Never first. Do it first and the group knows before she has been heard, and then she is the one who told on them.

What you don't do in those 24 hours: call a team meeting, hand out a punishment, or post something in the group chat. All three feel decisive and all three speed the problem up.

Four conversations, and what you say in them

With the player it is happening to. Start with what you saw, not with a question — "how are you doing?" always produces "fine". Say: "On Tuesday I saw that you were the last one left over in the warm-up and that nobody called to you during the rallies. That struck me." Then ask four questions: how long has this been going on, where else does it happen, who joins in and who helps, and what do you want to stop first. Never promise one thing: confidentiality. Say up front that you are going to act on it, that you will tell her what you are doing, and that you will discuss how with her. Close with one concrete thing that will be different at the very next session.

With the player doing it. One to one, never two at a time — then they play to each other's audience. Describe behaviour and don't stick a label on it: not "you're a bully", but "you didn't call her name once yesterday and after her mistake you looked at Sanne". Don't ask why he did it; that only produces a defence. Ask what he thinks it does to her, and then what he is going to do differently on Tuesday. Finish with one agreement that is visible and measurable: you call her name at every serve, or you play the first ball to her after every substitution. Say exactly once what happens if it doesn't change.

With the bystanders. Usually one player does it and the rest look away. Talk separately to the two players with the most status, not to the whole squad: if they start calling her name, the rest usually follow of their own accord.

With the parents. For the player it is happening to: call the same week, tell them what you saw, what you are doing and on what date you will call back, and ask one question — what do you see at home? Children tell a different story at home than in the hall. For the player doing it: call as well, just as factually, and expect defensiveness as the first reaction. You are not asking for punishment but for the same conversation at home. Two things you never do: put the two sets of parents together (that becomes a court case) and pass on other children's names. The rest of the contact with the sideline is in parents on the sideline.

The weeks after: how you know it has really stopped

A conversation feels like a solution and usually isn't. Put two checkpoints in your diary: one after two weeks, one after six. At both you do exactly the same ten-minute count as at the start — how often her name, how often the free ball, where she stands after a point. That is the difference between "I think it's going better" and knowing.

Look at her attendance as well. That is often where it shows first: a child who is being excluded rarely files a complaint, she calls in absent. If she cancels twice in one month without a clear reason, don't assume that is a coincidence. And watch whether she dares to fail again — a player who no longer dives for a difficult ball hasn't got worse, she has got careful, and that often recovers more slowly than the behaviour of the group.

Where your role ends and the club's begins

You are a coach, not a counsellor. In four situations it is no longer yours alone:

• It carries on after two concrete agreements and two weeks.
• Something physical is added, or it continues in pictures and messages out of your sight.
• An adult is involved.
• The player says she no longer dares to come.

Then you report it to the person your club has appointed for it. At many clubs that is a confidential contact person or a board member with youth in their portfolio; whether there is one, what they are called and which reporting route your federation prescribes differs by country and by federation. Look it up once before you need it and put the name and number in your phone — at a club that has it properly organised it is in the club handbook. What you hand over is your notes, what you tried and what the effect was; not your judgement about who is decent.

What you must not do under any circumstances is wait until the season is over in the hope that next year's team selection will solve it. By then the player is usually already gone, and not with a conversation but with a cancellation — see a child who wants to quit volleyball.

The design fix: draw them yourself, every session

There is a lot to gain here, and it costs no conversation. As long as players choose for themselves who they warm up with, which team they play in and who is left over, you hand the group an opportunity every week to confirm the pecking order.

• Draw the pairs for the warm-up. Cards with shirt numbers, or simply counting down your player list. Thirty seconds of work.
• Draw the teams for a game format too, and swap them every few minutes. Never let two captains pick in turn: that is the most public pecking order in existence.
• You decide the order in a line. "Just line up behind each other" always produces the same order.
• Swap every pair for the last two minutes of the warm-up. Costs nothing, breaks up the fixed duos.

One condition: do it always, even when the atmosphere is fine. Draw only when something is going on and drawing becomes a punishment, and everybody knows exactly who it is about. Do it all season and it is simply how your sessions work. The preventive side — formats that tie a group together before anything goes wrong — this article deliberately leaves out; that is in team-building exercises that actually work.

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